sstensland:

so i’ve had way too much time to think about this, and this meant to be a short little thing that kept growing, butwhat if stensland is clyde’s first ever relationship? growing up clyde was always the quiet and timid boy who followed behind jimmy who didn’t talk much. he went on a few dates with some girls but always felt too awkward. he realizes he’s gay his junior year of high school, but he doesn’t mention it. jimmy knows, because jimmy always knows, but he doesn’t say anything. clyde graduates high school and signs up for the military. gets deployed. he doesn’t try to pursue a relationship since he’s always away now. he still writes letters to jimmy and mellie and hopes that he’s still alive by the time he gets their response. he has a few close encounters his first tour. a suicide bomber goes off in a building in a town he’s transporting to. then he misses a near shot to the head from a sniper. if one of his fellow soldiers hadn’t noticed… when he returns home, he doesn’t sleep well. his nights are filled with nightmares and panic.

jimmy tries setting him up on dates when he gets back. he goes in two. one girl and one boy. both are absolutely perfect. but clyde knows better. they would never last. when he leaves for his second tour, he has no attachments. this one goes better. he still wakes in a cold sweat most days, but his life hasn’t been threatened yet. not until he’s on his way home and the mine goes off.

when clyde returns home this time, it’s to pain. he can still feel the explosion. still feel the pain of his fingers and hand. he doesn’t sleep most nights. doesn’t take the medications his doctors tells him to. ignores the world around him. it takes him two years to recover the best he can. he takes a few classes as the community college, takes up bartending, gets a job. soon, he’s the owner of a bar. his life almost seems well. his mind keeps dwelling on a curse he’s heard his father talking about one night. the logan curse. he looks into it, researches it. annoys the hell out of jimmy about it. it’s one of the few things that helps calm him down, though, from the nightmares and panic attacks. it’s something solid and grounded that he can keep his mind busy with. it’s possible he becomes obsessive about it, but he hasn’t fallen into the path of drugs and he keeps his drinking to a minimum (most nights).

years later, he’s still thinking about it. still annoying jimmy and mellie about it. he’s learned a lot about their family. misfortune has filled their lives longer than they could even remember. he still thinks about it when he sees the first new face he’s seen in years. the red hair catches his eye first. then the tall, lanky form hiding under his mismatched clothing. clyde tries to convince himself that’s why he’s starting: he looks so out of place in his bar filled with wannabe bikers and rednecks.

when this stranger smiles, clyde is latched. the easiness of that smile, that laugh, at one of his pointless jokes, fills him with pride. it’s all he can think about until he sees him again the following week. he gets his name this time: stensland. odd, unusual. it fits. clyde doesn’t know if stensland is flirting back, but he doesn’t protest clyde’s attempts. it takes weeks, maybe months, before stensland makes the first move. it’s a quiet night at the bar and stens hangs around until close.

clyde doesn’t mind the company, of course he doesn’t. stensland is all he’s been able to think about since the first night he walked in, but he’s never had the courage to do anything about. besides, someone as attractive and funny as him would never like clyde. clyde is damaged goods, both physically and mentally. he wouldn’t wish that upon him. so when stens asks him to dinner the following night, he’s shocked. it’s two whole awkward minutes before he stutters out a yes.

one dinner leads to two, leads to three, leads to a movie where they spent most the night making out in the back row even though they’re in their thirties. clyde never got this experience when he was a teenager so he’ll take what he can get. by their sixth date, he asks stensland to officially be his boyfriend. stens thought that’s what they were. clyde introduces him to his family. mellie’s beyond excited and jimmys happy for him even though he doesn’t quite understand it still, but clyde’s his brother so he’ll suck it up.

the relationship is awkward, at first, as most relationships are. clyde tries too hard even when he thinks he’s holding back. and stensland tries his best to be understanding. they have their arguments, but they always make up. clyde smothers stensland in his affection and flowers. and stensland makes up lavish dates and adventures for them.

stensland panics when he witnesses one of clyde’s panic attacks for the first time. (he knows it’s bad, but he wasn’t expecting it.) it’s the fourth of july and clyde thought he could handle the fireworks. turns out, he can’t. but stensland grows understanding and tries to help. sleeping next to his warm, thin body has helped with some of the nightmares.

they’re together eight months before they start getting intimate. stensland has been patient, and perhaps too eager when clyde finally lets him undo his pants. the first time they mess around. clyde finishes embarrassingly fast. he blushes and fumbles. stensland doesn’t make fun of him because he understands. he’s been there far too many times.

stensland proposes after eighteen months. clyde is shocked and stunned and there’s a whole group of restaurant employees there listening in for his answer. he starts to panic, but stensland looks at him with such hope and admiration that clyde swallows it down and says yes, yes, yes.

they marry on their third anniversary. stensland in his black suit and clyde in white. when he says i do, he wonders when he got so lucky.